The Full Scoop
I don’t ever remember feeling good about what made me happy as a kid. I was too busy trying to please others and trying to get them to like me. I picked friends and hobbies, and later jobs and relationships, that didn’t feel good and were driven by “shoulds”. I struggled with my self-worth and my self-image.
Have you ever spent countless hours watching football, pretending to like something you didn’t, playing golf, taking uninteresting classes, running around malls looking for a perfect outfit, watching stocks, eating things you didn’t even like only to impress another person? That was me. I obsessed over how to manipulate others into liking me rather than wondering whether or not I’d even like them (including potential lovers). The more my life revolved around pleasing others, numbing myself out, silencing my voice, appearing perfect and trying to maintain the status quo, the more I self-destructed. There was no space for me to be me.
You might be wondering, “Who is this Jenn and how can she help me?”
First off, I want you to know that I have a strong sense of what you’re going through, no matter how bad it appears. It was my own personal pain that brought me to this work (as it does for many of us). During my search for a way out, I came across countless barriers, and found it difficult to find anyone who really “got” what I was going through. I have made it my mission to provide to others what I couldn’t find for myself … a Safe Space to unravel the real me, heal the darkness that lay within my heart, and to gain the confidence to be myself in the world.
For much of my teens and early adulthood, my inside did not mirror my outside. By all appearances, I was a confident, attractive, successful young woman who functioned well in life. I worked for an investment arm of a prestigious bank as a trainer for Western Canada. Prior to that, I was a Recruitment Consultant in London, England and Toronto, and also worked in Real Estate in Australia (sounds super cool, eh?). I was always well put together, sociable, with communication skills people raved about.
Yet, my inner world was a mess. I obsessed about food, weight, exercise, what I looked like and what others thought of me non-stop. It was a miracle that I could even hold down a job. I had everyone fooled. I drank and drugged to the point of black outs (once waking up on a pile of coat hangers – guess I could decide what to wear the night before! – and regularly scanned my credit card statements to see where I’d been). I found myself in dark, scary places and clinging to toxic relationships. On an average day, I followed a strict diet and forced myself to the gym, followed by rabid bingeing on copious amounts of laxatives that left me glued to the porcelain throne. I was stuck in a hamster wheel of self-punishment without a trap door.
~Living against my true nature:~
How did I get this way?
My addiction to perfecting my outer world began at an early age. My family was hyper focused on physical appearance, and continuously stressed the importance of it. By the time I was 16, I had tried every fad diet on the market – Scarsdale, cabbage soup, South Beach, Atkins, Stewardess, Weight Watchers, plus many diet ills and anything else I could get my hands on that promised fast relief and results, including a pen I ordered off the TV that when sniffed, made my hunger subside.
In high school, some of my girlfriends were just as image conscious as I was. We were so concerned about how we looked that it’s all we talked about (how boring!). In those early days, I tried to make myself throw up in order to lose pounds but I couldn’t.
Throughout university, I used laxatives and diuretics like the worst kind of addict. Many of my friends did too. I even went so far as to buy cough medicine for horses off the black market as I heard it would help me lose weight. Instead, my limbs shook so violently that I couldn’t even stick the clutch in on my standard car.
Oh, the lengths I’d go to. It didn’t matter what the cost. If it was going to make me drop pounds, I was IN!
What’s most important here is that I believed everything you’re about to read was all normal – merely the price of being a woman.
At 5’8” and fluctuating from 135-150 pounds (always focused on getting thinner and thinner), I went to diet centres that were medically supervised and promised large amounts of weight loss in short periods of time. They never questioned my motives, and only said, “Sure, we’ll put you on our diet plan!”
This is where I learned how to both starve myself and get by on limited calories. If the doctors were promoting it, how bad could it be?
I was also starting to work out excessively. And it seemed like it was all working. I was getting soooooo much attention.
My friends told me how great I looked, guys were telling me how great I looked, my parents told me how great I looked. They finally seemed proud of me. I was 20 years old. I was starving myself and abusing my body, but the attention was intoxicating.
In my early 20s, my destructive behaviour became too painful to bear. My anxiety was at an all time high. My body was so weak that I’d often faint coming out of the shower. I barely slept, as my binge and purge cycles kept me up until the wee hours of the morning. I was miserable.
I needed to get help. I went to doctors, bowel specialists, my parents. No one heard me. The doctors wanted me to take anti-depressants, the bowel doctor wanted me to train myself like a dog and my parents told me to stop taking laxatives. No one heard me. They couldn’t understand or recognize what it was that I was going through. Even I began to wonder whether or not I was making things up or if I even had a problem.
Something in me kept me searching, even though I wasn’t getting the answers I needed, I knew deep inside me that there must be an answer. I went to therapists, naturopaths, homeopaths, acupuncturists, life coaches, energy therapists, astrologers, meditation gurus, psychics … dare I go on … always looking for answers and healing. Some of it worked… some of it didn’t.
Then I uncovered a key, the common denominator at the root of each and every hurting person I encountered – including myself. The need to feel loved, heard and purposeful. I was striving to fulfill this need outside of myself by maintaining a certain image and by buying material things to assure love and attention from others. But I was chasing a mirage. The stability I sought could only come from within. I know, this sounds boring, but in all my drama and experiences it became clear that in order to have a fulfilling life, I HAD to create a loving relationship with myself. There was no way around it.
Befriending myself transformed my life. I attracted a new career, started doing things that made me sparkle, and my relationships were deeper and more fun. My spirit felt alive. Opportunities that left me smiling began to appear and I relaxed into life. By healing past wounds and developing friendships with my body, brain and spirit, I rewired myself to live life for me (which I continue to do) and began feeding myself with the love I so desperately craved (which I also continue to do).
So… how can I help you?
Ever since I turned my life around, I have been helping people professionally across Canada and the US, both individually and in groups.
I’ve developed several specialized workshops and programs, among them: The Life Skills Toolkit, The Healing Circle, and an eight-week process called “Getting To Know Yourself Inside Out.” I’ve been a keynote speaker for various universities and colleges, women’s groups, high schools and sororities about self-esteem and body image. In addition, I have facilitated skill-building groups at eating disorder support centers, such as Sheena’s Place and Danielle’s Place in the GTA.
I coach from my own personal experience, my professional training and my on-going dedication to my own personal growth and sizzle. I offer tools, resources and a supportive and loving environment for you to uncover and experience your own personal sizzle. I offer one-on-one sessions by phone or skype (and in person, if you are in the GTA). I also offer telesessions and in person groups throughout the year. You can stay tuned by getting on my mailing list (link) or by following my blog.
For a private session or to learn more about my group programs, please e-mail me at info@jenniferschramm.com
I look forward to speaking with you!
Jenn xxoo